Nora has been waking up in the night thinking that she's waking up from a nap. She calls for me and I think maybe she will go back to sleep, but then she starts to cry. Sometimes I can go in and put her blanket on and she'll fall back asleep. Lately though she is awake and wants to "go outside" of her room. She then proceeds to say "that way" and point any direction except towards her room. So I hold her and we stumble around in the dark at 2am getting drinks of water, or pieces of bread, all while trying to be quiet and not wake everyone else up. If she was content to snuggle and sit together I wouldn't mind one bit. She is sort of half asleep though and starts to cry anytime I sit or try to snuggle her, or am unable to understand what she wants. She will just keep saying "mama, mama, mama," over and over. I think she is half asleep and doesn't know what she wants either. The nights when she hasn't had a nap are the worst, I think because she is so overtired. Naps are getting harder and harder to make happen though. She knows she is missing out on something, or she finally falls asleep and I have to wake her up to go pick Spencer up from school. Today when I went to get her up from her nap she was completely relaxed and in a deep sleep- laying flat on her back, arms up by her face and breathing deeply. I stood there and stared at her for a moment, wishing I could keep letting her rest. If it didn't take 20 minutes, round trip, to get spencer I would let her rest, but I would never be able to forgive myself if something happened while I was gone. So her sleep often is interrupted, poor 3rd child. I always fall asleep after those late night sessions worried that my tiredness will contribute to feeling depressed the next day, too tired to do the things I want to accomplish, or to interact patiently with my kids, which makes me feel lousy. I fall asleep telling myself "you will be tired tomorrow. So when you feel lousy just remember that you are actually just feeling tired." I don't mind getting up with her, I just wish I knew how to best help her on those rough nights. I hope I can remember her sweet face from her afternoon nap today forever.
Being a parent without Stevenson by my side would be so difficult. He seems to know exactly how and where to help. He came home from work today and sent me to my room for a nap since he knew I had book club tonight, had been up in the night with Nora and was feeling tired and he wanted me to be able to go and enjoy book club. He took the kids downstairs to play, finished making the dinner I was in the middle of preparing, fed the kids, and cleaned up dishes. The whole while at book club I enjoyed feeling rested and kept thinking how grateful I am to be on the same team as him. Marriage is wonderful in the way that his kindness towards me evokes such a feeling of love and I want to do whatever I can to make his life easier and show my love in return. It is truly an inspired institution that we both become better through.
1 comment:
Oh man, as I was reading this it seemed all too familiar. Axel is the same way-- he hates naps and those times when he actually goes down for a good nap, I end up having to wake him up to get kids from school. Poor kid!
Axel is also a night-time waker and seems to be getting worse. His worst nights are when he is over tired and then he gets full blown night terrors- where he isn't really awake but he screams and thrashes around, sometimes for up to an hour. It's horrible. But even on nights when it's not a night terror, he wants me to walk around and get him things-- usually food in the fridge or water. It IS exhausting.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. You have good perspective to try to remind yourself that you aren't mean or depressed, just tired. Sometimes I forget that and go into full-on grouch mode, or just wallow in the sleep deprivation that feels like depression.
Hang in there! You are a great mom doing a great job. Thanks for inspiring me to be and do better!
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